What do you do when God abandons you? I know that we are told that He never abandons us. It is true that Yeshua did say "I would never leave or forsake you" (Heb 13:5b) and that "He is with you even until the end of the world" (Matt 28:20). However, life does not feel that way and it hasn't for a long time. I was jarred with that reality just a week or so ago. Twelve Marines were lost in a helicopter crash off of the coast of Oahu. it could have been just another tragic news story but that was not to be. We have friends from years ago that sort of reconnected thanks to Facebook. Our children grew up together and we ministered together in the same fellowship. They are just a cool family. I know if we saw them face to face we could just pick up where we left off. Their son-in-law was on one of the choppers. He leaves their daughter and a five month old baby behind. One could ask, "Where was God?"
I have been in ministry long enough to have a mental file of these sort of events. The "God Abandoned File". In my early days of ministry I was close to a couple in our church. They found love a little later in life and were married in their early forties. They were so in love and devoted to each other it was a bit of an inspiration to those who knew them. We shared in their joy when she was found to be with child. She asked for prayer as her father was battling cancer and longed to live long enough to see his only grandson. So we prayed. And he lived. His grandson, however, lived two days and was taken. I remember standing by the tiny white casket looking at the tear filled eyes trying to make some since of it all. It was my first funeral service. There is something that will never allow that image to leave the "God Abandoned File". Words were spoken. Prayers and sorrow shared. "Let the little children come unto me" should never have been applied to such a time as this.
I know the theology and cold reality of the truth that God is love and merciful and just and sovereign. Yet, there are times when things just seem wrong. Romans 8:28 is little comfort in the midst of a spirit crushing loss. The grieving widow rests her head on my shoulder and says, "For over fifty years he greeted me each morning with a cup of coffee and a kiss. That will never happen again, I am alone." And she is. Her children will come to visit, as will friends, but each morning begins alone. A reminder of her loss. Sure we can be grateful for all those years together and the hope of eternity but she still wakes up alone. Another memory to place in the "God Abandoned File".
Somehow, I have been left with the impression, by some, that these thoughts are not to be. I should not possess such a file. We have faith to get us through. He is the God of all comfort and He loved us enough to die for us. And, yes, those verses mentioned above are still true. I just need to trust. After all I am a "believer" not a "feeler" so rest in His unchanging Word and know He is there. But these emotions are a part of His design. And, hey, it still just feels wrong. There have been times when I felt abandoned. No amount of theological reality brought much suave to the wound.
David felt this way too. Psalm 22 is his expression. We rob ourselves of the impact of David's words because we know it is a "Messianic" Psalm. These are words Messiah cried from the cross. The descriptions of a crucifixion are vivid. We gab the phrase and turn it into bad theology and make God into a Greek deity that needs to be appeased. None of these were David's thoughts. When David's soul writhed in convulsive pain I seriously doubt that he thought, "These will be great words for Messiah to call from the cross," seeing as crucifixions were not common and David never would have thought of Messiah as one who died such a horrible death. Messiah never entered David's thoughts as he penned these words.
Hear David's Words. "My God, my God, why have You forsaken me?" David feels forsaken. He feels the pain of piercing words. He trembles as if all his bones are out of joint and that a pack of ravenous dogs rip at his flesh. He feels like he is entering the dust of death. David's pain and feeling of abandonment is very real. Do not rob him, or yourself, of that truth. How did we arrive at the idea that spouting some theological trivia, no matter how true, is proper even if it means we are flat out lying to the God who knows how we feel anyway? No, I do not understand. Yes, I do feel abandoned. No, truth isn't all that comforting. Yes, I am confused and yes I do question Your goodness. My God, why did you abandon them? Why take the child? Why the lonely abandoned mornings? God, sometimes it feels like I will never recover. I do not feel your comfort or your presence.
After all this, like David, my trust turns to the Lord. Like David, I know there is victory. Like David, I know God is still there. Like David, I will still praise God even when I do not understand. But, like David, I need those emotional outbursts. I need the freedom to express the agony of abandonment without well meaning children of God scolding me for how I feel or dropping verses I already know on top of my grieving heart.
I really don't know why the loss of those twelve brought all this to the surface.I do pray for God's comfort to over shadow their families and for them to know His peace. However, I also pray they can have the freedom to grieve. Maybe even borrow a verse or two from David.
We live in a wonderful yet painful world. We have an amazing, eternal, hope, through Christ Jesus our Lord. He also shares our pain. Sometimes a glimpse in the "God Abandoned File" reminds us how really human we are. Maybe it can remind us of how strong the pain can be and yet see that we have continued on by His grace. He is good after all.
