I Never Want to "Get Over It"

We live in a world that abounds with comings and goings. The truth is, things in life are subject to change. From the simple things that wear out, like the toaster oven, refrigerator or technology that seems to come and go overnight. These sort of things are fairly easy to deal with. Most of us do not develop a deep meaningful relationship with a blender, though I have known people to get pretty attached to their cars. However, when it comes to people that is a different story. The comings and going of people can be more challenging to deal with. Social media can ease the parting with face-time and Instagram. But, no amount of technology can help when the parting comes through death. Death is a very real part of the lives we live. And with the passing of years it becomes an all too frequent visitor. It is these times of loss that we are called to cope with. We have grief ministries, and stages of grief and reminders that, "Time heals all wounds". Well, maybe time just dulls the pain a little. By the grace of God healing does come, yet the scars may linger longer than we thought possible. Well meaning friends are there to encourage us to move on. To get on with life and, with time, to get over it. Initial grief and sorrow is expected and comfort is readily available. That first anniversary of the passing often comes with comforting words and empathy. However, beyond that we are expected to get past the loss and begin to start fresh. With the Lord's help, of course.

But what if, in some ways, we are not supposed to get over it? What if God has other ideas of what to do with loss? The Apostle Paul tells those in Thessalonica, "But I do not want you to be ignorant, brethren, concerning those who have fallen asleep, lest you sorrow as others who have no hope" (1 Thessalonians 4:13). So we are not to sorrow as those who have no hope. Yet, we are allowed to sorrow. We are allowed to fell sadness. And there does not seem to be some set time limit as to how we can feel this way. I do not see a "Well, it's time to get over it. You've felt sad long enough." I am not talking about a debilitating grief that makes us bedridden as we wait to die. There is, or should be, some expected healing from God's Spirit as we cope with the loss. However, deep relationships are replete with abundant triggers of memories and special thoughts of the one who is gone. As believers, we know where our loved one is. We have the hope of the resurrection, we know they would not want us to be consumed with sorrow. However, are we intended to just get over years of special occasions that are special only to the ones who shared the moment?

I for one do not want to get over it. I am past the sorrow of a lost friend, at least for the most part. I have the full comfort of what God has provided. However, there are times when I miss the, "I am so frustrated right now!" phone call. I miss long talks in the parking lot. I miss knowing someone always has my back. I miss Dunkin Donuts conversations, ice cream at Friendly's and knowing he was just around the corner. I don't get sad quite the way I did at first but I never want to become calloused to the memories that somehow keep the friendship alive. We were not designed by God to go through life alone. I am blessed with a loving, remarkable, supportive, wife, and she is cute on top of that. I cannot imagine life without her. I have also been blessed with a number of friendships, some more like brothers than friends. However, I have only been blessed once with the kind of friendship that has been taken from me. I do not want to get over it. It was a special gift and blessing from the Lord. I want to treasure the memories. Be prompted to relive some moments when we laughed, enjoyed some music and were burdened for our children.  I want to celebrate some answers to prayer that we shared before he went home. I want to feel the prompting to pray for his wife and children and grandchildren, just like when he was here.  I am beyond grateful for the years of friendship and having a brother in the Lord that I may never experience again. So, no, I don't want to get over it. I want to treasure it. I want to remember it for even the pain of loss is something we had shared before. He was truly a gift from God. Why would I ever want to get over it?

"Tom and the Trust Factor"

Even though I have done a few posts on my friendship and remembrance of Tom Earl I feel a bit compelled to write one more. To be honest, it stems from the odd question of "why" that has haunted me a bit. I think fondly of Tom and really do miss him. I miss what we shared together as two guys trying to walk along with Jesus and finding ourselves, all to often, a bit off of the straight and narrow only to be drawn back by the grace of God. What haunted me was the truth that I was not sure why I felt such a bond with this man. Sure we were Elders together. Served together. We loved our wives and children and shared some of the frustrations and challenges that go with being human. Yet, I knew that there was something more than that. I  just could not settle what it was in my mind or spirit. I believe the Lord knew of this unsettled feeling and the disquiet that touched my soul. He found an unusual way to help resolve this odd heart issue.

Strangely enough, the answer came from the last episode of the television series, "Enterprise". I am a bit of a Star Trek addict. I own all the movies. I have viewed the original series numerous times. I moved on to the "Next Generation", "Voyager", and "Deep Space Nine". There was Captain Kirk,  Captain Picard, Captain Janeway, and Captain Sisko. I have viewed the bulk of all these episodes. However, Captain Archer never caught my attention. Then we dumped TV and subscribed to Netflix. There before me was the complete series "Enterprise". My Star Trek addiction returned. How does any of this have to do with my friend Tom? Well, it brought into focus the difference between a trusted friend verses a friend I can trust. Let me explain.

I have shared with a number of people that I shared a trust with Tom that let both of us be real. It was not that we met weekly to share in that trust but simply knew, without a doubt, it was there. In the last episode of "Enterprise" the writers combined the cast of "Next Generation" with the "Enterprise" crew. Forgive me if you are unfamiliar with the Star Trek series, however, that will not be necessary when I get to the odd point of God's revelation to me through this episode. In the story Commander Riker is faced with a difficult decision to make. Counselor Troy suggests he visit the crew of the first Starship Enterprise to gain some perspective. He does so via the holodeck where he can interact with the original crew. In one of the last scenes Riker poses as the ship's cook and has a conversation with Chief Engineer Charles "Trip" Tucker, who is also best friends with the Enterprise Captain, Jonathan Archer. Trip is sharing his admiration for his captain when he tells Commander Riker just why he feels this way. This quote captures and answers the question that has hidden in the shadows of the "why" for Tom Earl. Trip says, "I can count on one hand the number of people I trust. [not like] I only trust you like you aren't lying to me or I trust you won't steal my money. But, I'm talking about the kind of trust where you know someone's not going to hurt you no matter what. Where you know they will always be there for you no matter how bad things get, You ever know anybody like that?"

Yes, Trip, I knew a man like that. There have been and are a number of people I trust. People that I know would never lie or take something from me. People that would support me and even come to my defense. But very few that would never leave no matter how bad things got. I have been in church ministry for over forty years and most of that time it has been pretty positive and rewarding. However, there have been a few times when the leadership of the church was assaulted and I among them. In many of these instances, men I trusted, walked away. They didn't desert me in particular, they had just had enough of the battle and left the conflict behind. Leaving me, and the flock they were called to care for, behind as well. Tom didn't do that. There were times when those who disagreed came after me with a vengeance that few knew.  On the surface they played nice, but in private and covertly, they came after me and even my children with little thought to the damage they accomplished. In the midst of these times it would have been easy to walk away, but my trusted friend never did. He actually made the suggestion, on an occasion, that I find a new ministry and leave the conflict behind. But, I could never leave and break that trust with him either.

Trusted friends are not easy to find. Actually, it seems you just find each other. You never intend to, God just extends grace to let you know there is someone who, like Him, will never leave or forsake you. They do not ignore your faults. They help you become better than you were. Like Trip, I can count these on one hand and the hand got smaller with Tom's passing.

So thanks to Star Trek, I understand a little better what I have lost. Perhaps, it is better and more honest to say, it helped me know what I had found. A trusted friend who helped me move upward on the path to glory. He just got a bit of a head start on me. I'll catch up in God's timing. Until them I just have one more thing to be thankful for. A trusted friend, no matter how long it lasts, is a gift from God. Merry Christmas Tom. See you soon.