Why would you ever want to get married? It is true that God instituted the whole idea of marriage and family from back in Genesis two. He created one man and then seeing it was not good for man to be alone created one woman to be his ideal helper and partner for life. It was not all that complicated. However, as is true with pretty much everything, humanity has been consistently corrupting the simple plan. Multiple wives came pretty early and with that competition for affections. Rivalry between siblings that ended up in death and destruction. Still, it is God's remarkable plan and His picture of His relationship between Himself and His people, be it Israel or the followers of Messiah. Unfortunately, what we see around us is a picture so distorted it borders on blasphemy and a profane practice that dishonors the Lord.
This is obviously a generalization for there are a great many God honoring marriages that give a great picture of how Christ loves the church. I have been blessed with over 40 years of marriage to a remarkable woman. She has served with me in the rearing of five children and all these years of ministry. I have friends who are celebrating those 25th,30th,45th, and even 50th anniversaries. Some marriages hold the picture of Christ's love and commitment pretty well. Yet, there are so many that have fallen off track. Being a pastor I have the great joy of seeing committed couples take those precious vows before the Lord, family and friends and then stay the course. I have been around long enough to see many of them last and grow to honor the Lord and be a delight to His eyes.
However, these are not the only ones I see. I believe the issue may be that couples may get married for the wrong reasons. One is, sort of contractual. They decide these are the specifics and expectations that need to be met and if there is eventual failure then the option to dissolve the contract is only reasonable. The other big one is love. Lots of couples marry for love. To be loved and to feel love for another. This has the danger of a feeling based relationship. If my feelings change then it is time to look for the exit. The most successful marriages have a different foundation. It is simply, "How can we bring God glory and serve Him together?" If that is not the focus and reason behind the union the opportunity for failure is lurking in the shadows. Service for others, especially your spouse, is the key to growing in the agape lasting love that we see in Christ's commitment to us. Christ came to serve, not to be served. We need the same motivating factor in our lives.
The most common reason for marriage failures that I have encountered over the past several years among believers is the feeling that someone's "needs" are not being met. The "needs" issue is convenient for it can be remarkably vague. It usually means that in some way I do not feel fulfilled. You are my marriage partner so that is your responsibility. You have failed. The little disappointments build, are catalogued, and often magnified by one partner or the other and escape is the new motivation. It is often the case that there is no hope for repair or reconciliation. The list is embedded and grows with each effort or failure. "I can change, just give me the opportunity." "If you could be different you could have changed long ago and chose not to. Now I have another reason to be disappointed and hurt." This death spiral is hard to defeat. Marriage is about having my needs met, I do not feel that way, God would not want me to go through life unhappy, so I am out of here. If the foundation had been serving God and their spouse, it is far less likely to take that descent to the black hole of disappointment, turned to anger, turned to bitterness.
For believers, marriage is a decision to become a servant. To see that it is God who put this concept together, so it is God's reputation that is on the line. Each failed marriage is an opportunity to highlight God's failure. If He were really loving and cared then my marriage would have lasted. Why should I be devoted to serve a God who lets me feel this way? I have a right to have my "needs" met and the spouse God gave me failed so God gave me the wrong spouse. If children are involved they now also have a reason to see God as an inept failure. They have a reason for anger toward this failed God to fester. Satan is the victor and the world has no vision of what it is to know that Christ loves His church.
Christian marriages fail at a slightly higher rate than non Christian marriages. Christians seem to come with expectations that God has provided them with one who will meet all their felt needs. They will know love that comes unconditionally while their own service is optional or conditional. Maybe it would save God's reputation and His picture of Christ's love for the church if believers just stayed single. They could be loved by others without any expectations of sacrificial service on their own part. And if they felt their needs were not being met they could just go to another church. No need for embarrassment or some messy separation. We do that pretty well already. Maybe we need to look at the foundation we will build upon before we make that marriage commitment. If service is not our motivation then maybe it is not time to say yes to marriage. As much as I find great joy in performing marriage I also have known way too much pain in seeing marriages fail. Maybe it could save the Lord and us a lot of disappointment and pain.
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