Not the God I Wanted

Are you happy with the God of all creation, the Maker of heaven and earth? I have been walking with the Lord for about fifty years now. I had expectations when I began the journey. Ones that fit my maturity and needs of the time, and God seemed to be okay with that. My image of the Almighty has changed. I would like to think it has grown from those early days. Still, there are days when I remember wanting, even anticipating, a more reciprocal God. One where I did my part and He did His. I wanted a comfortable God that was all powerful, yet somehow predictable. Perhaps, in some measure, contained. When I read the Chronicles of Narnia, all those years ago, C.S. Lewis reminded me often that Aslan, the divine lion of the series, was not a tame lion. A nice reminder in the story, however, not all that comfortable in real life.

I have found that, in the honest intimacy of my spirit, that I still long for that tamer version of the Lion of Judah. One where my prayers are answered quickly and in accord with my own desires. Yes, it is true that the theological, rational, intellectual me is quick to remind me of all I have learned. The mind that tells me God is God and I am not. He will do what is best for His ultimate plan and my ultimate good, even if I am uncomfortable with the process. That does not mean I do not struggle with the process from time to time. "We live in a fallen world" may be the only answer when tragedy falls. Yet, it is an answer that can feel a bit hollow when I look at the reality and the pain in my heart when the dark days come. It is those times when I can be remarkably critical with myself. I can see  the struggle as failure and a lack of faith. The Lord has always come through. I have known "the peace that passes all understanding" (Philippians 4:7). And I experienced the truth that, "He is able to do exceedingly abundantly above all that we ask or think" (Ephesians 3:20). I have even been able to join Job in honestly saying, "Though He slay me, yet will I trust Him" (Job 13:15). Those thoughts and memories offer a bit of strength and resolve when I am seeking the tamer lion. However, I would be dishonest to say it is always satisfying.

I pray regularly for a lot of people, issues, missions, and concern for world events. I have seen God answer in remarkable ways. I have seen cancer removed, eyesight healed, people rise up from what everyone thought was their death bed. I have seem social events change the attitudes of people and tragedy unite families and congregations. God has been evident and responsive to my hurts and my prayers. I have also seen the other side. A longed for and anticipated child die at birth for no apparent medical reason. I have had a college room mate, and dear brother in the Lord, be used of God to further the gospel in almost unimaginable ways. Brilliant mind, excellent communicator, able to speak eight languages, struck down in freak car accident at age forty. I have stayed up all night with a couple praying for a child who died in the morning. I have felt the loss of a friend, more like a brother, who has left a hole that the Lord has yet to heal. I have stood in the dark and asked why, knowing there is no why to be found. I have seen ministries grow and selfish, angry people work to destroy them. In all of these situations God could have intervened and chose not to. Even in the current situation where covid 19 has grown into debilitating fear for so many, believers and unbelievers alike, God has the power to change things. Yet the one who "robs, kills and destroys" seems to gain an upper hand in too many lives and communities.

Wouldn't it be nice to have a God Who just stepped in and did what we wanted? A tame yet powerful lion we could direct. One we could come to and say, "I pray, You answer, that's the deal. And I need it by tomorrow." That is not the God of the Bible, nor the God of real life. Feelings have to give way to faith. Wishing and wanting needs to be overshadowed by trust. Discouragement replaced with obedience. Doubt and fear with truth and love. I really do not want a tame lion. I really do need one way bigger than me. One Who can take the questions of life and the disappointments of living and give me that assurance that it will be okay. The Lion has got this. Even through the pain and scars that linger and may always hide below the surface, this Lion has never left my side. And when the days come to an end He will carry me through the valley of the shadow of death to a new home that has no more good byes, no more tears, no more pain and gently present me to my Heavenly Father. A place of joy unspeakable and full of glory. In the darker days I remember this. He is not a tame Lion, but He loves me, and that is enough.