Not the God I Wanted

Are you happy with the God of all creation, the Maker of heaven and earth? I have been walking with the Lord for about fifty years now. I had expectations when I began the journey. Ones that fit my maturity and needs of the time, and God seemed to be okay with that. My image of the Almighty has changed. I would like to think it has grown from those early days. Still, there are days when I remember wanting, even anticipating, a more reciprocal God. One where I did my part and He did His. I wanted a comfortable God that was all powerful, yet somehow predictable. Perhaps, in some measure, contained. When I read the Chronicles of Narnia, all those years ago, C.S. Lewis reminded me often that Aslan, the divine lion of the series, was not a tame lion. A nice reminder in the story, however, not all that comfortable in real life.

I have found that, in the honest intimacy of my spirit, that I still long for that tamer version of the Lion of Judah. One where my prayers are answered quickly and in accord with my own desires. Yes, it is true that the theological, rational, intellectual me is quick to remind me of all I have learned. The mind that tells me God is God and I am not. He will do what is best for His ultimate plan and my ultimate good, even if I am uncomfortable with the process. That does not mean I do not struggle with the process from time to time. "We live in a fallen world" may be the only answer when tragedy falls. Yet, it is an answer that can feel a bit hollow when I look at the reality and the pain in my heart when the dark days come. It is those times when I can be remarkably critical with myself. I can see  the struggle as failure and a lack of faith. The Lord has always come through. I have known "the peace that passes all understanding" (Philippians 4:7). And I experienced the truth that, "He is able to do exceedingly abundantly above all that we ask or think" (Ephesians 3:20). I have even been able to join Job in honestly saying, "Though He slay me, yet will I trust Him" (Job 13:15). Those thoughts and memories offer a bit of strength and resolve when I am seeking the tamer lion. However, I would be dishonest to say it is always satisfying.

I pray regularly for a lot of people, issues, missions, and concern for world events. I have seen God answer in remarkable ways. I have seen cancer removed, eyesight healed, people rise up from what everyone thought was their death bed. I have seem social events change the attitudes of people and tragedy unite families and congregations. God has been evident and responsive to my hurts and my prayers. I have also seen the other side. A longed for and anticipated child die at birth for no apparent medical reason. I have had a college room mate, and dear brother in the Lord, be used of God to further the gospel in almost unimaginable ways. Brilliant mind, excellent communicator, able to speak eight languages, struck down in freak car accident at age forty. I have stayed up all night with a couple praying for a child who died in the morning. I have felt the loss of a friend, more like a brother, who has left a hole that the Lord has yet to heal. I have stood in the dark and asked why, knowing there is no why to be found. I have seen ministries grow and selfish, angry people work to destroy them. In all of these situations God could have intervened and chose not to. Even in the current situation where covid 19 has grown into debilitating fear for so many, believers and unbelievers alike, God has the power to change things. Yet the one who "robs, kills and destroys" seems to gain an upper hand in too many lives and communities.

Wouldn't it be nice to have a God Who just stepped in and did what we wanted? A tame yet powerful lion we could direct. One we could come to and say, "I pray, You answer, that's the deal. And I need it by tomorrow." That is not the God of the Bible, nor the God of real life. Feelings have to give way to faith. Wishing and wanting needs to be overshadowed by trust. Discouragement replaced with obedience. Doubt and fear with truth and love. I really do not want a tame lion. I really do need one way bigger than me. One Who can take the questions of life and the disappointments of living and give me that assurance that it will be okay. The Lion has got this. Even through the pain and scars that linger and may always hide below the surface, this Lion has never left my side. And when the days come to an end He will carry me through the valley of the shadow of death to a new home that has no more good byes, no more tears, no more pain and gently present me to my Heavenly Father. A place of joy unspeakable and full of glory. In the darker days I remember this. He is not a tame Lion, but He loves me, and that is enough.

Beyond Understanding

I often give my posts a provocative title or one with humor. My desire is that people will read and give thought to my musings and perhaps learn something new. I do not hold hope that this post will be popular or even entice anyone to read, much less to read to the end. It is a personal record of the conflict I am having with how unfair it is to be overshadowed by the God of love and grace.

I have been in ministry for forty plus years. I have seen God heal one going blind, cancer removed, mobility restored, infertility conquered, and marriages healed. I have experienced first hand the power of prayer. I have also known those times when the Lord determines that the prayers of God's people will not yield the desired results. "Thy will be done" is always a necessary part of the petition laid before the God of all grace who knows far more than I will ever perceive. I have come to accept that reality.

Being a Pastor and teacher has become more than His gift or even His calling, it is who I am. The greatest cost is that of friendship. Pastors live under the shadow of expectations. I have connected, cared for, ministered to, discipled and loved a significant number of men and families. Almost as many have come to find that I have failed to meet their expectations in some way or form and have moved on to other assemblies and left me behind. In quiet nights like these I am still haunted by the loss of what I once thought was friendship. However, there are occasions when someone looks past the gift and accepts you for who you are. Another frail and flawed pilgrim on life's journey. They are few and far between. I have four such treasured friends in my life. One I moved away from, two that have moved away to other parts of the USA and one who has been closer than a brother. It is he who holds my attention tonight.

About two weeks ago the Lord allowed him to suffer a stroke. He is six years my junior and was in good health. The stroke was minor and recovery, though time consuming, seemed likely. I prayed for him. I prayed in the car on the way to the hospital, I prayed in the lobby, in the elevator, and at his bedside. He squeezed my hand and thanked me for my concern. I knew God would heal him. He is my dear friend. His wife needs him, as do his children and grand children. Then there are his band members and co-workers and members of the fellowship where he leads worship and encourages Christ's Bride. This episode was just God's new material for those beloved "mini sermons" he shares as he welcomes God's children to come to worship. .

We share on a great many levels. We have prayed for our wives and our children together. We have wept in sorrow and in Joy. He always has my back. He has always defended me and we have faced more trials and joys in leading a flock together than anyone. Did I mention, he is my friend and I need him. I had laid out a flawless case before the Lord, healing was assured.

His incremental improvements served to fuel my confidence in his eventual healing. Until the heart attack and coronary arrest. There have been a few shimmers of hope but the situation is clouded with a growing darkness that seems to be leading to his departure. God is still almighty and the Messiah he calls Lord can still heal the blind, cause the lame to leap and the dead to rise. He can heal my friend. But, what if He chooses not to? I am not happy.

I would like to question God. I want to shake my fist in His face and tell Him how unfair this is. I want to wallow in some crises of faith and doubt everything I have held to be true. I want to cry out in anger and tell Him of this injustice and that I am done being His servant. I am walking away. But, He will not let me go. Everything I know and have known holds me to the Rock that is greater than I. I desire anguish and rage and find  instead, "the peace of God, which surpasses all understanding, guarding my heart and mind through Christ Jesus" (Philippians 4:7). I find myself standing with Job saying, "though He slay me, yet will I trust Him". The quiet confidence and peace that overshadows me robs me of my indignation and gives me unwelcome comfort. And to add to my inability to cast Him aside He replays a song by Casting Crowns over and over again in my head (Here is my opportunity to place it in your head https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vCpP0mFD9F0 ), "The God Who gives, and takes away."

In the midst of the storm a firm hand grasps mine and gently says. "Come with Me, climb in, join Me in the safety of the boat. Here is a cushion. lay down. Come unto me, for I am gentle of heart, come find rest for your soul."

And my soul is at rest. He will not let me go. It is simply beyond understanding.