Beyond Understanding

I often give my posts a provocative title or one with humor. My desire is that people will read and give thought to my musings and perhaps learn something new. I do not hold hope that this post will be popular or even entice anyone to read, much less to read to the end. It is a personal record of the conflict I am having with how unfair it is to be overshadowed by the God of love and grace.

I have been in ministry for forty plus years. I have seen God heal one going blind, cancer removed, mobility restored, infertility conquered, and marriages healed. I have experienced first hand the power of prayer. I have also known those times when the Lord determines that the prayers of God's people will not yield the desired results. "Thy will be done" is always a necessary part of the petition laid before the God of all grace who knows far more than I will ever perceive. I have come to accept that reality.

Being a Pastor and teacher has become more than His gift or even His calling, it is who I am. The greatest cost is that of friendship. Pastors live under the shadow of expectations. I have connected, cared for, ministered to, discipled and loved a significant number of men and families. Almost as many have come to find that I have failed to meet their expectations in some way or form and have moved on to other assemblies and left me behind. In quiet nights like these I am still haunted by the loss of what I once thought was friendship. However, there are occasions when someone looks past the gift and accepts you for who you are. Another frail and flawed pilgrim on life's journey. They are few and far between. I have four such treasured friends in my life. One I moved away from, two that have moved away to other parts of the USA and one who has been closer than a brother. It is he who holds my attention tonight.

About two weeks ago the Lord allowed him to suffer a stroke. He is six years my junior and was in good health. The stroke was minor and recovery, though time consuming, seemed likely. I prayed for him. I prayed in the car on the way to the hospital, I prayed in the lobby, in the elevator, and at his bedside. He squeezed my hand and thanked me for my concern. I knew God would heal him. He is my dear friend. His wife needs him, as do his children and grand children. Then there are his band members and co-workers and members of the fellowship where he leads worship and encourages Christ's Bride. This episode was just God's new material for those beloved "mini sermons" he shares as he welcomes God's children to come to worship. .

We share on a great many levels. We have prayed for our wives and our children together. We have wept in sorrow and in Joy. He always has my back. He has always defended me and we have faced more trials and joys in leading a flock together than anyone. Did I mention, he is my friend and I need him. I had laid out a flawless case before the Lord, healing was assured.

His incremental improvements served to fuel my confidence in his eventual healing. Until the heart attack and coronary arrest. There have been a few shimmers of hope but the situation is clouded with a growing darkness that seems to be leading to his departure. God is still almighty and the Messiah he calls Lord can still heal the blind, cause the lame to leap and the dead to rise. He can heal my friend. But, what if He chooses not to? I am not happy.

I would like to question God. I want to shake my fist in His face and tell Him how unfair this is. I want to wallow in some crises of faith and doubt everything I have held to be true. I want to cry out in anger and tell Him of this injustice and that I am done being His servant. I am walking away. But, He will not let me go. Everything I know and have known holds me to the Rock that is greater than I. I desire anguish and rage and find  instead, "the peace of God, which surpasses all understanding, guarding my heart and mind through Christ Jesus" (Philippians 4:7). I find myself standing with Job saying, "though He slay me, yet will I trust Him". The quiet confidence and peace that overshadows me robs me of my indignation and gives me unwelcome comfort. And to add to my inability to cast Him aside He replays a song by Casting Crowns over and over again in my head (Here is my opportunity to place it in your head https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vCpP0mFD9F0 ), "The God Who gives, and takes away."

In the midst of the storm a firm hand grasps mine and gently says. "Come with Me, climb in, join Me in the safety of the boat. Here is a cushion. lay down. Come unto me, for I am gentle of heart, come find rest for your soul."

And my soul is at rest. He will not let me go. It is simply beyond understanding.