"What Now?"

The intensity of the past twenty-five days has been somewhat replaced with the dulling metronome of daily responsibilities. However, it does not remove the shadow of the Tom-shaped loss that will now be a part of my existence. I would like to be more like David. To respond like he did in 2 Samuel 12. After agonizing in prayer and fasting over the declining condition of his infant son, David is confronted with the child's death. He gets up from his earnest but unanswered plea, bathes, eats and moves on with life. When asked how he can do this, David replies, “But now he is dead; why should I fast? Can I bring him back again? I shall go to him, but he shall not return to me" (2 Samuel 12:23). David simply trusts God and moves on. I know the truth that David did, but it seems my emotional fasting has continued. I do and will miss my friend. My thought is that this loss will only become more real in the coming days, not less. I am still consoled and wrapped up in the protective shroud of the "peace that passes all understanding" but I am far from joining David in Psalm 30:11, "You have turned for me my mourning into dancing; You have put off my sackcloth and clothed me with gladness."  The abrasive sackcloth of a loss I have yet to fully comprehend chafes at my soul.

"What now?"

Now I will live each day with the memories of what has been. I will sort through the plethora of words and feelings that consumed my life these past few days. I will remember that Sunday the 4th of December has additional meaning with the memory of hundreds of people gathering to pay tribute and honor a man who had touched their lives. A simple man who simply live out the love of Christ in his every day contact with people. I will remember the broken hearts of his family as they shared those intimate memories of a husband and father and brother. I will remember the many who stood to recount Tom's life of love and grace personified. The hymn "Majesty" will now always hold a special place in heart, not just for Tom but for a little guy named Louis that Tom loved. I will reflect upon the many who sought me out to tell how Tom and his compassionate  leadership at Craigville Bible Church had drawn them into a closer walk with the Savior. I will try to overlook how many of them walked away and left him behind. Such partings were never easy for him. I will remember the hugs and the friends from years past who made the trip to honor their friend and brother. It was a remarkable afternoon to honor a friend and brother who honored the God and Savior he loved.

Personally, I will remember the time squashed in an Escort, Vigilantes of Love, Friendly's, the Pizza Hut Buffet and so many talks while spreading mulch at church or piling wood into my pick-up. I will remember putting sheet rock in his stairway and Elders Meetings on his deck. I will remember praying for our children and our wives. For the joys of shared ministry and shared anguish over the pain and personal attacks that can come with leading God's flock. To know he always had my back. I will remember one of the best renditions of "Nothing but the Blood" that I have ever heard. I will remember how we recognized that we were little more than the broken stones that God, in His remarkable grace, had placed into the structure of His Temple. I will remember most of all his desire to please the Lord and his devotion to his family. Of his smile at the very mention of the woman named Jeanne that he adored. Of the pride and, at times, pain he felt for his son and daughter and the unconditional love he held for them. I will remember that, even though he was pretty sure he was right, he would hear my point of view and on occasion even change his mind.

"What Now?" I will lean on 2 Corinthians 6:2. It is a verse often misapplied by evangelicals to convince people to "Trust in Jesus to be saved today for there may not be a tomorrow".  "Behold, now is the accepted time; behold, now is the day of salvation." The word translated "salvation is the Greek soteria. It means  deliverance, preservation, and safety as well as salvation. In the context of 2 Corinthians 5 and 6, it applies to every day I exist on this planet. Not some special salvation day experience. Right now I need a daily dose of deliverance from thoughts I do not need to dwell on. I need preservation from the enemies "what if" assault. You know, those thoughts that accuse us and condemn us for not being the friend we should have been or when we should have been there or said something. Satan loves to hit us with accusatory "what ifs" when we are in pain and vulnerable so we miss the comfort and peace of God while robbing us of the memories that honor our friend. I need to know I am safely in the arms of my Savior when the emotions of loss roll over me from time to time.

"What now?" Will be spent following my friend and brother's example. We did have the distinction of having married the two most amazing women on the planet. In the midst of all this, Tom's love and devotion for Jeanne never wavered. For my part, I have been supported and held tightly in the compassion and grace of the woman who I have been privileged to call my wife for 39 years. I would have been far less together through this if not for my beloved Debbie holding me tenderly when I was too numb to even know how to feel. We both have remarkable and gifted children that held and hold a special connection in our lives. Tom honestly loved my five and I have  loved Jonathan and Melody in the love only two fathers could share. It is likely from the times of prayer, concern, and joys we often shared concerning them when we talked and ate too much pizza together. I will continue to love Christ's Bride as my brother Tom did. He had many earthly reasons to abandon his call as an Elder. However, his love for the Lord and His Bride held him true to his calling. I am forever grateful for having him at my side in all these years of ministry. Oh, and I will make sure the kids ring the bell on Sunday mornings.

It snowed here in New York last night. The ragged trees, bare bushes and dormant lawn of late fall has been painted in silver and white by the Divine Artist. "Washed whiter than snow" is our promise. One realized by my brother Tom and all who would call upon the Name of the Lord. I am at peace. "What now?" I will face each day for today is a day I will be delivered and preserved and held securely in the love of my Lord. And I will be tomorrow and the next day and the next until God takes me home. I can live with that.